The End Is Near, As Is The Beginning

Yesterday was my last, first day of class. If all goes according to plan I will be graduating college in December.

And guys...I'm scared.

I am notorious for worrying about things to unhealthy levels. I'd like to think I've gotten better about this over the past few years, but in the past few weeks my worrying has come back full force. I stress about finding a job. Not only a job, but a job I will like. A job that will fulfill my financial needs. A job that isn't too far from home. A job that allows me to grow. I worry that I'll fail when it comes to figuring out big girl things like insurance and 401k's without my parents sound advice. They've already started the 'It's your decision.' and 'That's something you have to figure out for yourself.' responses. While I am grateful for decisional freedom, they're responses terrify me. I worry that I'll fail my parents expectations, along with everyone else's. I'm afraid I'll screw up beyond repair. I'm worried that I haven't learned enough in my classes to justify a big girl position at a company. I'm afraid I won't be good enough in this competitive job market.

Aren't I supposed to have my life figured out by now? Everyone keeps asking me what position I'll be going after when I graduate. They ask when I'm getting married. They ask me about my future plans. I. Don't. Know. It's all up in the air. I don't know where I'll be working 4 months from now. I don't know where I'll be living in a year. I don't know what salary I'll be getting. I don't even know when I'm getting engaged, not to mention married. I like having plans, I really do, but right now nothing is solid. It's all fluid, and I hate that. I hate, I hate, I hate it!! I want to have it figured out. I want answers. I want to be confident in those answers. I do. Right now, I can't.

I'm still figuring out who I am, let alone how I want the rest of my life to play out. I realize this is me ranting. I'm ok with that if you are. Well, even if you aren't. I feel like I'm having a quarter life crisis. That's a thing. Don't question it....but if you really want to, Google it. Wikipedia pretty much sums up my feelings: "Common symptoms of a quarter life crisis are often feelings of being "lost, scared, lonely or confused" about what steps to take in order to transition properly into adulthood. Studies have shown that unemployment and choosing a career path is a major cause for young persons to undergo stress or anxiety. Early stages of one living on their own for the first time and learning to cope without parental help can also induce feelings of isolation and loneliness."

See. Real thing.

The last few weeks I have worried myself into laziness and Netflix binging. Sometimes I handle stress by pretending the things I'm stressing about don't exist. I didn't even realize that's what I was doing, I chalked it up to being tired or transitioning into a new semester. Less than 48 hours ago I figured out it's because I am drowning in stress. I still haven't finished putting my new apartment together (I moved a month ago). I'm almost out of clean clothes...well the essential ones, like underwear. I need to get my oil changed in my new car. I need to do a whole bunch of simple things, yet I am totally unmotivated to. That's usually the indicator that I need to slow down, take a deep breath, and minimize stress. I need to find ways to unplug, stop worrying, and just enjoy little things. I think a big thing contributing to my stress is that I've lost a lot of friends lately and I don't have people who know me inside and out to just chit chat with anymore. I don't have a best girl friend to just do silly things with, or have deep conversations. This, in a very large part, is my fault. I need to get out more and socialize. I need to put more effort into those who are still around. I REALLY need a fellow geek to fangirl with. Seriously, I'm taking applications.


I don't think any of what I just described is unique to me. Many 20 something's go through it, and for the most part they come out alive. I don't want to just survive, I want to live and enjoy and soak in all the good things. Positive, happy thoughts everyone.




Allons-y!